[ A man made a frantic call to the fire department. "Quick, quick!" he said. "My house is on fire."
"Where do you live?"
"I'm too distressed," screamed the man. "I can't tell you the exact address." "How do you expect us to get there" said the fire officer. "What do you mean?" cried the man "Don't you have those big red trucks?"

You can tell it's going to be a bad day when:

You wake up face down on the pavement.

 Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.

 You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then you remember you
don't have a waterbed.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

The dog chews the presentation you've been working on all weekend

. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

  You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

 Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
 Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of candles.

 Your birthday cake has so many candles that the fire service have to be called
out to extinguish the flames.

 You find a TV news team waiting in your office.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
 
[35] You find Yellow Pages open at "hitmen".

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels down the motorway
.
You wake up in the office naked in front of your workmates. [38] Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

 You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Two drivers climbed out of their cars after colliding at a road junction. One produced a hip flask from his pocket and said to the other: "Here, have a nip of whisky to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," said the other driver, taking a swig from the flask. "Here, you have one too," he added, handing back the whisky.
"No, I'd rather not -the police will be here soon."

The following are genuine comments on accident insurance claims forms:

 An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.