Accidents

A stranger rushed into a bar and ordered a double whisky. "Tell me," he asked the bartender agitatedly, "how high does a penguin grow?"
"Oh, about so high," replied the bartender, placing his hand some two feet from the floor.
"Are you sure?" said the stranger.
"Positive," said the bartender.
"Damn. I guess I just ran over a nun!"

[A young man was shipwrecked on a desert island and didn't see another human being for 20 years. Then out of the blue, a beautiful woman was washed ashore.
"How have you survived all these years?" she asked, water dripping from her velvety skin.
"I existed by digging for clams and eating berries," he replied. "What did you do for love?" she purred.
"What's love?"
With that, she showed him, not once, not twice, but three times. "So, how do you like love?" she said afterwards. "It's great," he said. "But look what you did to my clam digger!"

 It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the
bathroom. [RODNEY DANGERFIELD]

 A huge fire broke out near a farm. The county fire department were called out but the blaze was too big for them to tackle, so a call for additional assistance was made to a part-time volunteer force. The volunteer brigade turned up in a dilapidated old truck which spluttered along the track leading to the fire. The county fire chief was about to apologize to the farmer for the embarrassment the volunteer force were causing when, to his amazement, the volunteer truck fearlessly drove into the very heart of the fire. Within minutes, the centre of the fire was extinguished, breaking the blaze into two controllable sections. An hour later the entire fire was out.
The farmer was so impressed that he immediately presented the captain of the volunteer force with a cheque for 1,000 dollars.A local newspaperman asked the captain what he was going to spend it on. "I'm gonna get the brakes on that damn truck fixed!"

A woman phoned her husband at work for a chat. "Sorry, darling," he said,
"I'm really busy at the moment. I haven't got time to talk."
"Oh, this won't take long. It's just that I've got good news and bad news." "Look," he repeated, "I really am busy. Just give me the good news." "Well," she said, "the air bag works."

 Wife: "The big clock fell off the wall this afternoon. A moment sooner, and it would have landed on Mother's head."
Husband: "That's it! I'm getting rid of that clock. It's always been slow."

 A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff. As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to hang on to a protruding tree branch. Staring down at a 200-foot drop to almost certain death, he cried out: "Help me, please! Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice came back: "Yes, my son, I am up here." "Who is it?" called the man.
"It is The Lord."
"Can you help me?"
"Certainly, my son. Just let go of the branch and I will catch you."
The man thought for a moment, then shouted: "Is anybody else up there?"
 

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