A
car broke down on the expressway. The
driver pulled over to the shoulder and
jumped out of the vehicle. Then he
opened the trunk and pulled out two men
in trench coats. The men stood behind
the car, opened up their coats and began
exposing themselves to oncoming traffic.
The result was a terrible pile-up.
A police officer arrived on the scene
and surveyed the carnage. He raged at
the driver: "Why on earth did you put
these two perverts at the side of the
road?"
The driver explained: "I broke down, and
I was just using my emergency flashers."
A parachutist jumped from a plane, only to discover that his chute was
broken. As he plunged towards the
ground, frantically trying to fix the
parachute, he passed another man on the
way up.
"Do you know anything about parachutes?"
he cried.
"No," replied the other man. "Do you
know anything about gas cookers?"
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you? - A pool table.
A
man made a frantic call to the fire
department. "Quick, quick!" he said. "My
house is on fire."
"Where do you live?"
"I'm too distressed," screamed the man.
"I can't tell you the exact address."
"How do you expect us to get there" said
the fire officer. "What do you mean?"
cried the man "Don't you have those big
red trucks?"
You can tell it's going to be a bad day
when:
You wake up face down on the pavement.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then you remember you
don't have a waterbed.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
The dog chews the presentation you've been working on all weekend.
You put your bra on backwards and it
fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put
you on hold.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your
birthday cake collapses from the weight
of candles.
Your birthday cake has so many candles that the fire service have to be
called
out to extinguish the flames.
You find a TV news team waiting in your office.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and
you have a headache.
You
find Yellow Pages open at "hitmen".
Your car horn goes off accidentally and
remains stuck as you follow a group
of Hell's Angels down the motorway
.
You wake up in the office naked in front
of your workmates.
Your
blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
[39] You turn on the news and they're
showing emergency routes out of the
city.
[ Two drivers climbed out of their cars
after colliding at a road junction. One
produced a hip flask from his pocket and
said to the other: "Here, have a nip of
whisky to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," said the other driver, taking
a swig from the flask. "Here, you have
one too," he added, handing back the
whisky.
"No, I'd rather not -the police will be
here soon."
The following are genuine comments on
accident insurance claims forms:
An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
The
telephone pole was approaching. I was
attempting to swerve out of its
way when it struck my front end
