Accountants

A woman went to the doctor who told her she had only six months to live. "Oh my God," said the woman. "What shall I do?" "Marry an accountant," suggested the doctor. "Why," asked the woman. "Will that make me live longer?" "No," replied the doctor. "But it will seem longer."

 What's an actuary? -An accountant with a sense of humour

 Why do some accountants become actuaries? - They find bookkeeping too exciting.

What do accountants do to liven up their office party? - Invite a funeral director.

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? - Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

 What's the wildest thing a group of young accountants can do? - Go into town and gang-audit someone.

 Three engineers and three accountants were on board a train. "I can't believe how expensive my ticket was," said one of the accountants, "50 dollars for such a relatively short journey."
"You should do what we do," said the chief engineer. "We three always travel together but only buy one ticket. That way, we pay a third of the price each."
The accountant was puzzled. "But how do you get away with only buying one ticket. The ticket collector always comes round."
"It's easy," said the engineer. "Watch this."
At the first sign of the ticket collector, the three engineers huddled into a restroom and shut the door. When the collector knocked on the restroom door and called "Ticket please", a single arm held out one ticket. The collector stamped the ticket and went on his way.
The accountant was impressed and, knowing a thing or two about money, decided that he and his two colleagues would try the same trick the next time they traveled together. So the accountants bought just one ticket between them. The engineers happened to be on the same train and, to the accountants' surprise, hadn't even bought one ticket.
"You'll never get away with that," said the accountants.
"You wait and see," replied the engineers.
When the ticket collector approached, both groups squeezed together in
separate restrooms and shut the doors. Then one of the engineers knocked on the
door of where the accountants were hiding and said: "Ticket, please."

 How do you know when you've met a good tax accountant? - He has a loophole named after him.

 An accountant was having difficulty sleeping at night. He went to the doctor. "Have you tried counting sheep?" inquired the doctor."That's the problem," said the accountant. "I make a mistake and spend the next six hours trying to find it."

 Out of the blue, an accountant decided to leave his wife. He left her a note saying: "Dear Diane, I am 54 years old and have never done anything wild in my life. But now I'm leaving you for a stunning 18-year-old model. We'll be staying at the Savoy."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a message waiting from his wife. It read: "Dear Clive, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Royal with an 18-year-old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18..."

 

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