adultery

 A guy on a date parked his car in a quiet street late at night and climbed in the back seat for sex. His partner was more than willing and asked him to do it four times. After a couple of hours of this, he was exhausted, but she was still up for more.
"Excuse me," he said, "but I must go for a pee."
He climbed out of the car and noticed a man further down the street struggling to
change a tyre. He went over to him and said: "Look, I've got this woman in my car
and I've given it to her four times but she still wants more. I don't think I can
manage it. So if I change your tyre, will you take over from me?"
So the second guy took his place in the back seat and was just getting down to
business when a police officer knocked on the window and shone a light on them. "What are you doing in there?" asked the cop. "I'm making love to my wife," replied the man hesitantly. "This is a public place. Can't you do that at home?"
"If you must know, officer, I didn't know it was my wife till you shined the light on
her!"

 Throughout her married life, a wife kept a padlocked chest at the foot of the bed. Her husband often asked her what was in the chest, but she always refused to divulge the contents. Then, on their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, she finally agreed to open it.
Inside were two ears of corn and 30,000 dollars. The wife explained: "Every time
I cheated on you, I put in an ear of corn."
The husband didn't mind too much that she had only been unfaithful to him twice
in 25 years. "But what about the money?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "every time I reached a bushel, I sold it."

 Guns don't kill people - husbands who come home early kill people. [DON
ROSE]

 A married couple were dining out when a beautiful girl strolled over to their
table and kissed the husband warmly.
"Who was that?" demanded the wife. "That's my mistress," replied the husband. "Your mistress! I want a divorce."
"Are you sure about that, honey? Do you really want to give up your big house, the swimming pool, the Mercedes, your jewellery, your furs, the vacation home in Mexico?"
For the next half-hour there was a frosty atmosphere between the two. Then the
wife nudged the husband and said: "Isn't that Richard over there? Who's he with?" "That's his mistress," said the husband. "Huh," said the wife, taking a mouthful of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

 A man sleeps around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20
mistakes, she's a tramp. [JOAN RIVERS]

 A business executive dialled his home phone number from work and was surprised when a strange woman answered. "Who is this?" he asked.
"This is the maid," replied the voice on the other end. "But we don't have a maid," he said.
"You do now. I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"I see. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
There was a moment's silence before the maid replied: "Er, well actually she's
upstairs in the bedroom with someone I thought was her husband."
The man couldn't believe what he was hearing, but decided to act swiftly and
decisively. "Would you like to make 50,000 dollars?" he asked the maid. "Sure would," came the reply.
"Right. Now listen carefully. I want you to go into my study, look in the top
drawer of my desk and take out my gun. Then I want you to go to the bedroom and
shoot that bitch and the guy she's with. Do you understand?"
"Yes," answered the maid and she put down the phone. The man listened and
heard two shots ring out. The maid returned to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" she asked. "Throw them in the swimming pool," said the man. "What pool?"
"Er, this is 366-2940?"
 

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