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American towns, cities and states
Boston
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find
yourself
up there. [FRED ALLEN]
Chicago
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and
the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go
west." [RICH JENI]
Colorado
A Californian, a Texan and a guy from Colorado were attending a business
convention near Las Vegas. On their
first night, they went for a drink
together in a local bar.
The Californian drank a wine spritzer
which he downed in one before hurling
his empty glass against the wall,
smashing the glass to pieces. Explaining
his actions to the bartender, he said:
"The standard of living is so high in
California that we never drink out of
the same glass twice."
Next the Texan downed a Margarita and
threw the empty glass against the wall,
explaining: "In Texas, we're all so rich
from the oil industry that we never
drink out of the same glass twice."
Then it was the turn of the man from
Colorado. He drank his beer before
pulling a gun and shooting his two
companions dead. He explained to the
bartender: "In Colorado we have so many
Californians and Texans that we never
have to drink with the same ones twice."
Detroit
The Detroit Lions football team were in desperate need of a classy
quarterback to help them in their quest
for the Super Bowl. After scouring
countless colleges without success,
their coach was watching CNN when he saw
footage of a war scene in Bosnia. At the
heart of the action was a young Bosnian
soldier who twice scored a direct hit
with a hand grenade from a distance of
200 yards. The coach immediately thought
that this guy had the perfect throwing
arm and set out to sign him.
Following protracted negotiations, the
young Bosnian signed and became an
instant hero, helping the Lions to win
the Super Bowl for the first time in
their
history. Immediately after the game, he
called his mother.
"I've just won the Super Bowl for the
Lions," he said excitedly.
"I don't want to talk to you," snapped
his mother. "You're not my son any more.
At this very moment, there are gunshots
all around us. The neighbourhood is a
pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and your sister was attacked
in broad daylight. No, I'll never
forgive you for what you've done-making
us move to Detroit."
Minnesota
Two guys from Minnesota drove 50 miles to a gas station for a fill-up just
because they had heard about a special
offer to customers who bought a full
tank of gas. The men asked the gas
station attendant about the contest.
He explained: "If you win, you're
entitled to free sex."
"Great!" they said. "How do we enter?"
The attendant continued: "I'm thinking
of a number between one and ten. If you
guess right, you win free sex."
They thought for a moment and then one
of them said: "Seven."
"No, sorry," said the attendant, "the
number I was thinking of was five. Bad
luck."
Undeterred, the pair drove back to the
station the following week and asked if
the contest was still running. The
attendant told them it was.
"Right," said one, "I reckon you're
thinking of the number eight." "That's
real bad luck," said the attendant. "It
was nine."
As they left, cursing their misfortune,
one turned to the other and said: "I'm
beginning to think this contest is
rigged."
"No way," said his friend. "My wife won
twice last week."
What do you call an intelligent person in Minnesota? -A tourist.
Ed from Minnesota went on his first parachute jump. The instructor told Ed
exactly what to do and, on leaving the
plane, he pulled the ripcord and floated
downwards. The instructor followed him
out of the plane, but his 'chute failed
to open and he plummeted past Ed heading
towards the ground. Seeing this, Ed
immediately undid the straps to his
'chute and shouted: "So you wanna race,
huh?"
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