Bartenders
 A termite walked into a bar and said: "Is the bartender here?"

 A guy walked into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He put them down on a stool and said to the bartender: "I'll have a Scotch and soda."
And the crocodile added: "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."
The bartender was amazed. "That's incredible," he gasped, "I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"
"He can't," said the guy. "The chicken's a ventriloquist."

[2911 A man walked into a bar. Ow! It was an iron bar.

 Celine Dion walked into a bar. "Why the long face?" said the bartender.

A customer walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand as if it were a phone. The bartender looked at him warily. "Look," warned the bartender, "I don't know what you're up to, but this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble."
The customer said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile."
The bartender looked at him as if he were a crank. "I don't believe a word of it." "OK," said the customer, "I'll prove it to you." And he pressed the digits on his hand, held his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then he gave his hand to the bartender and, to the bartender's amazement, he could hear a voice coming through the hand.
"That's incredible," said the bartender at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through your hand."
"It's ingenious," said the customer. "It means I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directed him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit worried when the customer hadn't returned 20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood, he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening the door, he found the customer spreadeagled against the wall, with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt.
"Oh God," exclaimed the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," answered the customer. "I'm just waiting for a fax."

 Two hamburgers walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve food."

 A snail slid into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said: "Get out, you're a snail." And he picked up the snail, threw him out of the door and across the street.
Eleven months later, while collecting glasses, the bartender felt a tap at his ankle. The snail said: "What the hell did you do that for?"

A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender: "I've got this great Polish joke."
The bartender glared at him and warned him: "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I'm Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."
"OK," said the guy. "I'll tell it slowly."

 A skeleton walked into a bar and said: "I'll have a Budweiser and a mop, please."

 A guy walked into a bar. The bartender said: "You've got a steering wheel down your pants."
"Yeah, I know," said the guy. "It's driving me nuts!"

Short Jokes listed in alphabet order
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