Death
 It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
[WOODY ALLEN]

 Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building. The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"You're crazy," said the second guy.
"You don't believe me?" said the first. "Watch this.And with that, the first guy stepped off the edge of the Empire State Building, floated around in mid-air for 30 seconds and returned safely to the roof.
"That was amazing," said the second guy. "I've got to try that."
And so the second guy stepped off the roof. But instead of floating, he dropped like a stone to the street more than 1,000 feet below.
Seeing this, the third guy, who had remained silent until then, turned to the first guy and said: "You know something, there are times when you can be a real asshole, Superman."

 For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off. [JOHNNY CARSON]

 After 40 years of misery together, a man didn't shed too many tears when his wife died. He begrudged spending anything on her funeral and, to save on burial costs, he arranged for her to be buried privately in their back garden.
A week later, a friend of the deceased came round to pay her respects and was surprised to see the wife's bottom protruding from the soil.
"Did you bury her like that as a token of affection?" asked the friend. "So that you could always see her, be in touch with her?"
"No way," said the husband. "It's somewhere to park my bike!"

 An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were due to face a firing squad. The Englishman was first to be lined up against the wall. As the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers instinctively turned round to look and by the time they realized it was a hoax, the Englishman had escaped.
The Scotsman then prepared to meet his doom. Just as the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim, he shouted "Flood!" Again they turned round to see what the problem was, and by the time it dawned on them that it was a hoax, the Scotsman had escaped.
Finally it was the turn of the Irishman who had been greatly impressed by his colleagues' cunning ruses and was determined to come up with a similar diversion. So just as the soldiers raised their rifles and took aim, he shouted "Fire!"

A man had his wife cremated. As smoke came out, he said to his friend: "That's the first time I ever saw her hot."

 

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