Diets

 A woman had been advised by her doctor to go on a strict diet but she couldn't discipline herself and would spend most of the day raiding the fridge. As her weight ballooned, one day she got stuck on the lavatory seat.
"Jim, Jim!" she called to her husband. "The lavatory seat's stuck to my butt. Fetch the doctor."
The husband asked the doctor to come round as soon as he could but didn't explain what the problem was. In the meantime, the husband managed to remove the seat from the lavatory bowl but it was still wedged fast to his wife's backside. He suggested she go and kneel on the bed until the doctor arrived.
When the doctor showed up, the husband showed him straight into the bedroom where the wife was kneeling with her back to the door.
"What do you think, doc?" asked the husband.
"I think it's very nice," replied the doctor, "but why such a cheap frame?"

 I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already. [Tommy COOPER]

Patient: "How can I lose 12 lbs of ugly fat?" Doctor: "Cut your head off."

 A husband was standing on the bathroom scales, desperately holding his stomach in.
His wife, thinking he was trying to reduce his weight, remarked: "I don't think that helps."
"it does," he said. "It's the only way I can read the numbers!"

 

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