Divorce

 Mrs Czemak appeared before the judge in a divorce action. "How old are you?" asked the judge.
"Thirty-five," said Mrs Czernak.
The judge noted her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks. "May I see your birth certificate?"
She handed the judge her birth certificate.
"Madam," he said severely, "according to this certificate you are not 35 but 50." "Your honour," replied Mrs Czernak, "the last 15 years I spent with my husband
I'm not counting. You call that a life?"

 A couple in their nineties appeared before a judge to ask for a divorce. The wife moaned: "He gambles, he stays out nights, he runs around with women. I can't take any more."The husband countered: "She doesn't do any housework, her cooking is
atrocious, she has no time for me, she sleeps around." "How long has this been going on?" asked the judge. "About 70 years," they chorused.
The judge was bemused. "So why did you wait till now to get a divorce?" "Well, we were waiting for the kids to die."

 Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" [RITA RUDNER]
[633] A travelling salesman was testifying in divorce proceedings against his wife. His attorney said: "Please describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions regarding your wife's infidelity."
The salesman answered: "I'm on the road during the week so naturally when I am home at weekends, I'm particularly attentive to my wife. One Sunday morning we were in the middle of a heavy session of love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled: 'Can't you at least stop all that racket at the weekend?'"

 A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce. The priest was surprised. "Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can't see what you have to complain about."
The man took off his shoe. "See this shoe," he said, showing it to the priest, "the leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned."
"Ah," said the priest, "a parable."
"In a way, Father," replied the man. "I'm the only one who knows it pinches."

 A divorce court judge said to the husband: "Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife 800 dollars a week."
"That's very fair, your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

 

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