Excuses
 A woman saw an electrician walking up her drive. She rushed to the door. "Why have you come today?" she barked. "You were supposed to repair the doorbell yesterday."
"Yes, I know," said the electrician. "I rang three times but there was no answer, so I thought you must be out."

 A traffic cop pulled over a guy who was driving erratically. "Blow into this breathalyzer tube, please," he ordered.
"Sorry, officer, I can't," replied the driver. "I'm asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a bad asthma attack."
"OK, come to the station and give a blood sample."
"Sorry, officer, I can't. I'm haemophilic. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well then we'll need a urine sample."
"Sorry, officer, I can't. I'm diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.""All right. Then I need you to step out of your car and walk along this white line." "Sorry, officer, I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

 "Do you believe in life after death?" the company boss asked one of his young employees.
"Yes, sir."
"That's good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she called in to see you."

 Did you hear about the office worker who ran out of sick days, so he called in dead?

A woman was in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said: "That was Jim, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

 A driver was speeding down the highway late in the afternoon when he saw a police car behind. For a while he tried to out-race his pursuer, but, after touching 120 and still not managing to shake him off, he realized it was a lost cause and pulled over.
The cop stepped out of his car. "Listen, buddy," he said. "I've had a really lousy day and all I want to do is get home to my wife and kids. So if you can come up with a good excuse as to why you were doing 120 back there, I'll let you off."
The driver thought for a moment and said: "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a cop. When I saw you in my rear-view mirror, I thought you were that officer and that you were trying to hand her back."

Excuses to offer for being asleep at the office:

 They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

 Damn. Why did you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out a solution to our
problem.

My entire family was wiped out last night by machine-gun wielding
burglars, and I didn't get much sleep afterwards.

 1 must have left the top off the correction fluid.

 I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.

 1 was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hand

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