Some women hold up dresses that are really ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire? [RiTA RUDNER]

 A woman in church one Sunday morning suddenly had a terrible coughing fit. Afterwards a friend said to the woman's husband: "I felt really sorry for Jean having that bout of coughing, and the way every one turned to look at her."
"Don't worry," said the husband. "She was wearing a new hat."

 The judge glared at the accused: "So you admit breaking into the dress shop?"
"Yes, your honour."
"And why was that?"
"Because my wife wanted a dress."
The judge consulted his notes. "But it says here that you broke into the same shop four nights in a row."
"Yes, sir. She made me exchange it three times."
Clothes not to wear at an interview for an office job: [839] A suit of armour.

 Camouflage combat jacket and trousers. [841] A Hannibal Lecter T-shirt. [842] The national costume of Holland. [843] Prison uniform.
[844] A Richard Nixon mask.

 A pink satin jump suit (if you're a man). [846] Scuba diving gear. [847] A Big Bird costume. [848] Anything dripping in blood.

 A guy was walking along the street wearing only one shoe. A woman went up to him and asked: "Have you just lost a shoe?" "No, I've just found one."

 A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring and baggy combat trousers told his friend: "I don't really like dressing like this, but it stops my parents dragging me everywhere with them."