Helpful Tips for the over 50s

• Never attempt bending down, except under strict medical supervision.  

• Develop the power of a photographic memory – take photographs of everyone you need to remember.  

• Use your ailing health to blackmail your children into doing all your gardening and housework.

• Avoid the company of young people they are a sad reminder of your long lost youth.

• Keep a diary – it will be a great source of comfort and a handy reminder of what you did yesterday.

• Cultivate friendships with people much older than yourself. This will make you feel so much younger.

• Finding your false teeth can be difficult when you mislay your spectacles. Always keep these vital items attached to you by pieces of string.

• No one will ever notice your frightful wrinkles if you only go out when it’s dark.

• Modern science enables even fifty year olds to have the youthful looks of a teenager – a simple head transplant is all it takes.

• Should you ever get the urge to go ‘all night clubing’ apply the simple rule – forget it!!

• Buy a computer, digital camera and a MP3 player. Although you’re incapable of understanding how to use them at least you’ll appear trendy.

• Take the strain off your tired out memory by labelling all household objects – bed, fridge, television etc.

• Look twenty years younger in an instant – borrow a baby and train it to call you ‘mummy’.

• Save all hairs that come loose when you brush your hair – one day medical science may develop a means of replanting them.

• Borrow a pram – pushing it around looks better than clutching a zimmer.

• Try to enjoy your fifties as much as is possible – after all the horrendous sixties are looming.

• Remember – Don’t Drink and Zimmer.