THE PICK-AND-TEAR

This little nasal thespian comes by its name honestly. And you can be assured that just as the shooting of Bambi's mom brought a tear to your eye, so too will this pesky pickster. We are referring to none other than the "Pick and Tear." These little guy's plans are to stay put. As evidenced by attaching themselves with what must be industrial strength epoxy to the small hairs growing within the nostril. Not just any part of the nostril, but to the part which is known to be the most sensitive part of the body by any respectable torturer from the third world. Anyone who has attempted to pick this tear jerker can attest to the brief, yet excruciating pain that could only come from the removal of this type of booger.

THE FACE GRAZER

Both Freddy Kruger and Jason pale when compared to this real-life childhood freak show. Yes, we are referring to that one kid we all seem to remember from our childhood, regardless of where or when you went to school. This kid really got around and we mean everywhere. This particular "child from hell" was the one who believed that anything that could be picked off the body above the neckline qualified as its own food group. And just as the aforementioned ghoulish zombies are to be found constantly roaming in search of new victims, so too is the face grazer in constant search of new skull snacks. To be considered chow only requires that any normal child is witness to the act. Thus completely destroying any chance of a happy childhood memory of that school year.

THE J.F. WORKOUT BOOGER

With this booger, we refuse to reveal the actual celebrity it was named for. We will only point out that she is the daughter of a famous movie star, was not extremely popular during the Vietnam conflict, is married to a man whose name rhymes with "Bed Burner," and starred in a film that started with Barbara and ended with ella. But other than those small clues, you are on your own. This particular nose nugget is actually designed as a dietary aid. Yes, it has only half the calories of a regular booger, and by thinking of the person it was named after, you will probably lose your appetite completely.

EYE BOOGER

That's right. We are talking about that goo also known as "early morning eye decor." Yes, we are aware that it does not actually rate as a true booger according to the snobbiest of booger enthusiasts. But, because it is a close cousin and will probably never rate a book of its own, we felt it was our moral obligation to mention it here. But, we would like to point out to any children who may be reading this out there that we are booger professionals. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. DISPOSE OF PROPERLY. ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES. SAY NO TO DRUGS, and always, PRACTICE SAFE SEX.