"The Pope died. Like all good Christians he went

to Heaven and knocked on the door. Peter opened the door and lifted an enquiring eyebrow. The Pope said, 'I'm the Pope.' Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus. 'I have someone here who says he's the Pope. Do you know him?'

'No, never heard of him. Send him to Hell.' Jesus answered.

'That can't be true. Ring God himself.' the Pope said. So Peter rang God and said, 'We've got someone who says he's the Pope. Do you know him?' God answered, 'No, never heard of him, send him to Hell.'

'The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit,' the Pope said. Peter rang him and said, 'I have someone here who says he's the Pope. Do you know him?' 'Yes,' he said, 'I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria pregnant. Send him to Hell.'

"A rich American tourist holidaying in Rome was intent on seeing the Pope. He waited in a long queue, wearing a rather expensive suit and hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps exchange a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right passed the American without noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in his ear, and made his way on again.

This pissed off the American, so he agreed to pay $1000 to the tramp for his suit in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning, the Pope made his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, the Pope leaned over and spoke softly in his ear,

'I thought I told you to fuck off!'