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		New Year Nerd Resolutions NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD 16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! 15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. 14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" 13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 12. I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses. 11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate. 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk. 9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail. 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. 5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.* 4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... 3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet. 2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items. 1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it New Year Resolutions for Pets 15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars. 8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year. 5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is too much. 4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets... 1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

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New Year Nerd Resolutions

New Year Resolutions for Pets