online jokes   A violist is sitting in the front row crying hysterically. The conductor asks the violist what's wrong. The violist answers, 'The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs.' The conductor says, 'Well, that does seem a bit childish. But it's nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?' To which the violist replies, 'He won't tell me which one.' How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. What did the drummer get in his IQ test? Drool. What's the difference between a violin and a viola? There's no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so big. Why are viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them. How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching. How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They can't get up that high. Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. Why don't viola players suffer from piles? Because arseholes are in the first violin section. How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin. Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks they agreed to each take an afternoon off so that they could watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break. Back in the pit that evening, Mo asked how it was. 'Great,' said Joe. 'You know