Online jokes    St Peter is checking people at the Pearly Gates. The first is a Texan. 'Tell me, what have you done in your life?' asks 5t Peter. 'Well, I struck oil,' says the Texan, 'so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels. I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are set for about three generations.' 5t Peter says, 'Very good, come in.' The second guy in line says, 'I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated $5 million to 5ave the Children.' 'Wonderful,' says 5t Peter. 'Who's next?' A third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, 'Well, I only made $5000 in my entire lifetime.' 'Heavens,' said 5t Peter, 'what instrument did yo play?' St Peter's checking people into Heaven. He asks man, 'What did you do on Earth?' The man replies, 'I was a doctor.' 5t Peter says, 'Fine, go right through the Pearly Gates.' 'Next. What did you do on Earth?' 'I was a schoolteacher.' 'Go right through those Pearly Gates. And what did you do on Earth?' 'I was a musician.' 'Go round the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen.' What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? The seamstress tucks up the frills. What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano? The seamstress tucks and frills. Definition of a string quartet A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers. How is lightning like a violist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice. How do you keep a violin from getting stolen? Put it in a viola case. What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?  The coffin has the dead person on the inside. Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants? They both give a nice warm feeling without making any sound. Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation? Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it. Why don't violists play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them, What do a viola and a law suit have in common? Everyone is happy when the case is closed, A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship. 'Help: cried the cellist, 'I can't swim: 'Don't worry, said the violist, 'just fake it' A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground, When he asked what happened the police told him, 'Well, apparently the conductor came to your house and - ' The violist's eyes lit up I and he interrupted excitedly, 'The conductor? Came to my house?'