Online jokes    What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? There are some things a pig just won't do. What's the ideal weight for a conductor? About two and a half pounds, including the urn. A musician calls a symphony orchestra's office to talk to the conductor. 'I'm sorry, he's dead: comes the reply. The musician calls back 30 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist At last she asks him why he keeps calling. 'I just like to hear you say it.' A musician arrives at the Pearly Gates. 'What did you do when you were alive?' asks 5t Peter. 'I was the principal trombone player of the City of Birmingham Orchestra.' 'Excellent, we have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal?' So when the time for the next rehearsal comes, our friend presents himself with his heavenly trombone. As he takes his seat, God moves, in a mysterious way, to the podium and taps his baton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turns  to the angelic second trombonist and whispers, 'So what's God like as a conductor?' 'Oh, he's okay most of the time. but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan.'