Online jokes    It was the night of a grand concert and all the celebrities and notables had turned up to hear it But around 8 o'clock there was still no sign of the conductor. The theatre manager was desperate, fearful of refunding everyone's money. He went backstage and asked the musicians if any of them could conduct None of them could. He went around and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. No luck He started asking people in the lobby, in the hope that maybe one of them could conduct the performance. No luck He went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they could conduct No luck whatsoever. By now the concert was 20 minutes late in starting and the crowd were getting restless and would soon be demanding their money back The desperate manager looked around and spied a cat sitting on a fire hydrant, a dog peeing on a tree and a horse standing in the street. 'Oh, what the heck,' he exclaimed, 'what do we have to lose?' So the manager went up to the cat and asked him, 'Mr. Cat. do you know how to conduct?' The cat meowed, 'I don't know. I'll try: But although it tried really hard it couldn't stand upright on its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat and then asked the dog, 'Mr. Dog, do you think you can conduct?' The dog woofed, 'Let me see.' But although it managed to stand on its hind legs and wave its front paws around, it couldn't keep upright long enough to last through an entire movement. 'Nice try,' the manager told the dog, and turned in utter desperation to the horse. 'Mr Horse, how about you? Can you conduct?' The horse looked at him for a second, and without a word turned around, presented its hind end and started swishing its tail in perfect 4-4 time. 'Thank Christ!' yelled the manager. 'The concert can go on.' However, the horse then dropped a load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was horrified and told the manager, 'We can't have this horse conduct. What would the orchestra think?' The manager looked first at the horse's rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied, 'Trust me - from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they have a new conductor.'