online jokes   "The world's best and most famous conductor made a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is my last performance as a world-class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement.' After a few minutes' silence from the shocked audience and orchestra, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. 'Oh no, you don't,' his manager said, 'you're not retiring.' Forced back to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said, 'Dear, would you be able to get me a small handgun?' 'Yes, dear,' she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep. Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor had a small handgun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said, 'I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance.' The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted, 'You can't be serious!' and the conductor whipped out his handgun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. Days later, the conductor was taken to court. 'How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?' the judge enquired. 'Guilty, your Honor: the conductor replied. 'Do you realize the sentence for first-degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?' the judge asked. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. 'Yes, your Honor: the conductor said. While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said, 'You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?' After pondering a few seconds, the conductor replied, 'A silver platter with a dozen bananas.' His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to flick the switch again, he was stopped. 'He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go.' The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. 'Back to work: his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with his wife, he asked, 'Dear, could you get me a grenade?' 'Yes, dear,' she replied. At his next performance. the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. 'For the third time. I'm announcing my retirement!' he yelled. He took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again. 'You again?' asked the judge. 'I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago.' The conductor shrugged. 'Okay, how do you plead to 23 counts of first-degree murder?' the judge asked. 'Guilty to all counts,' replied the conductor. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. 'A silver platter with two dozen bananas,' was his answer. He scoffed the bananas, the· room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but the conductor regained consciousness when they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as he left the building. 'Back to work!' The weeks dragged on, and the conductor couldn't take it any more. 'Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?' he asked his wife as they lay in bed. 'Yes, dear,' she replied. He didn't even wait for the concert to start. 'Fuck retirement for the second time. This is my last performance.' The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted, 'You can't be serious!' and the conductor whipped out his handgun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. Days later, the conductor was taken to court. 'How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?' the judge enquired. 'Guilty, your Honor.' the conductor replied. 'Do you realize the sentence for first-degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?' the judge asked. The conductor thought for a moment but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. 'Yes, your Honor: the conductor said. While being strapped into the electric chair. one of the guards came to the conductor and said, 'You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?' After pondering a few seconds, the conductor replied, 'A silver platter with a dozen bananas.' His request was granted. and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to flick the switch again, he was stopped. 'He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go.' The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. 'Back to work: his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with his wife, he asked, 'Dear, could you get me a grenade?' 'Yes, dear: she replied. At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. 'For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!' he yelled. He took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again. 'You again?' asked the judge. 'I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago.' The conductor shrugged. 'Okay, how do you plead to 23 counts of first-degree murder?' the judge asked. 'Guilty to all counts: replied the conductor. While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. 'A silver platter with two dozen bananas: was his answer. He scoffed the bananas, the· room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but the conductor regained consciousness when they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as he left the building. 'Back to work!' The weeks dragged on, and the conductor couldn't take it any more. 'Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?' he asked his wife as they lay in bed. I 'Yes, dear: she replied. He didn't even wait for the concert to start. 'Fuck yas all!' he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away. 'Jesus Christ, you again? You're supposed to be DEAD!' the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. 'May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first-degree murder?' 'Guilty as sin!' the conductor screamed. The bastards deserved it!' He was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short out in the power. Meanwhile, the city's electrical engineers were busy rerouting a massive dose of voltage into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. Three dozen bananas on a silver platter: he said. He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some two kilometers away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of the coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, 'You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it)' 'I've tried telling people before: he said. 'I'm just a bad conductor.'