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What's the difference between hard and light?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

King Arthur was heading off for the Crusades when he called one of his squires and said, 'Here is the key to Guinevere's chastity belt. If in ten years I haven't returned you may use the key.'

His Majesty crossed the drawbridge and set off along a long dusty road. He stopped, turned his horse and took one last look at his castle. Whereupon the squire rushed towards him yelling, 'Stop! Your majesty! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key!'

IIrs Jones woke up one night to discover her drunk husband trying to fill her mouth with aspirin.

She screamed, 'What in hell do you think you're doing?'

'Don't you have a headache?' he asked.

'No, I bloody well don't.' 'Great, let's fuck.'

 

A man picks up a girl in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel room. When they're relaxing afterwards he asks, 'Am I the first man you ever made love to?'

She looks at him thoughtfully. 'You might be: she says, 'your face looks familiar.'

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop when the town's fire alarm went off. One jumped up and headed for the door. His friend shouted, 'Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman.'

'I'm not: said Tom, 'but my mistress's husband is.'

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