John Denver's Guitar.

Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?

The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal barge goes down to speak to the slaves in the hold of his ship. "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile." The men cheered and rattled their chains. "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?

The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It's either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"

Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?

"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?

Scared the hell out of the dog.

Why was Phillip's girlfreind dissapointed?

Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.

What's the dofferemce between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic?

"Chop chop."

this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn't I?

I have to admit it, Jensen had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution. The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died... Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.

While in Birmingham, England, President Clinton saluted Frank Sinatra, saying the singer and entertainer "really did do it his way''...

This new drug Viagra takes the concept of recreational drugs to a whole new level, doesn't it?

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."