Restaurants
 A pretty waitress came over to take a man's order. "I want a quickie," he said. Appalled, she immediately slapped him around the face.
When she had regained her composure, she asked him again. "Now what would you like?"
"I want a quickie," he said. Once again, she slapped him hard around the face. She decided to give him one last chance. "For the last time, what would you like?"
"I want a quickie," he replied.
She slapped him around the face again and went to fetch the manager. A customer at the next table then leaned over and whispered to the man: "I think it's pronounced quiche."

 Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? [JERRY SEINFEED]

 The chef flew into a rage at his new assistant. "Didn't I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?" he yelled.
"I did," said the assistant. "It was half past eleven."

 A man was sitting alone in a restaurant, finishing his coffee and free afterdinner mints when he suddenly heard a voice say: "Wow! You look great tonight. I love that shirt."
The man looked round to see where the voice was coming from but the only other
person in the room was a waiter, so he called him over. "Excuse me," said the man. "Did you say something?" "Not me, sir," replied the waiter.
A few minutes later the same thing happened again. This time the voice said: "And your hair really suits you in that style. It makes you look years younger."
Once more, the man summoned the waiter. "Did you say something just tt€?' he inquired."No, sir," replied the waiter. "Not a word."
"Well, that's twice I've heard a voice and you're the only other person in the room."
The waiter thought for a moment. "This voice, did it say nice things or rude things?"
"Nice things," said the man.
"Well, that's it then," said the waiter. "It must have been the complimentary mints."

 I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. [STEVEN WRIGHT]

 The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared. "I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."
The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"