Looking for something different one lunchtime, a man wandered into a newly opened magic shop. "I want a fun present for myself," he said.
The shop owner produced a special pair of glasses. "They're 1,000 dollars," he said, "but, believe me, they're worth it. When you wear them, you can see people naked."
The man tried them on and, sure enough, the shop owner appeared naked. And Shopping
when his pretty female assistant walked through, she was naked too. When he took the glasses off, everyone was fully clothed.
"They're incredible," he said. "I'll buy them."
He left the shop, wearing the glasses, and headed back towards his office. Everyone he passed was naked - pretty girls, old women, men with beer bellies, traffic wardens, the lot. He was delighted with his purchase. He thought he'd surprise his wife so before going back to work, he called in at home. He was still wearing them when he walked into the living room. There were his wife and his best friend sitting on the sofa completely naked.
"Hi, surprise!" he said, removing the glasses, but they were still naked.
"Look at that," he moaned, "A thousand dollars for a pair of magic glasses and after half an hour they're broken!"

 A woman stormed into a soft furnishings shop. "I have come to return this rug which I bought from you last week. You promised me that it was in mint condition."
"So it is, madam," said the shop manager. "Look at that hole in the middle."

 I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said: "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row." [STEVEN WRIGHT]
A teenager had just started work as an assistant in an Oklahoma grocery store. One day a man came in and asked for half a lettuce.
"I'm not sure whether you can buy half a lettuce," said the young assistant.
"Why not?" asked the man. "I don't need a whole lettuce."
"But I don't think I am allowed to sell you half a lettuce."
"Right," said the man firmly. "Fetch me the manager."
So the assistant went to speak to the manager. "There's some jerk out there who only wants to buy half a lettuce." Just then he was aware of the man standing next to him. Without missing a beat, the young assistant added: "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
When the matter had been resolved, the manager told his assistant: "I was impressed with the way you handled things back there. You got yourself out of a tricky situation. Where are you from?"
"Minnesota."
_ "Why did you leave?"
"They're all just whores and hockey players up there." The manager frowned. "My wife's from Minnesota." "You don't say! Which team did she play for?"